Sex, Shame & Desire

A companion post to Wonder & Wander, Episode 8

Here's something I say in the therapy room that tends to land with a thud:

If sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship — why do we talk about it so little?

We talk about what to have for dinner more than we talk about sex. And dinner is good. Dinner is important. But it doesn't rise to that level. Not even close.

Avoidance Isn't Apathy

When couples avoid talking about sex, it's rarely because they don't care. It's almost always the opposite.

We avoid the things that matter most to us because we feel the most exposed around them. Sex, finances, beliefs — these aren't conversations we skip because they're unimportant. We skip them because they feel important and we feel completely unequipped.

We tell ourselves not to make it weird. And then it gets weird.

Where the Shame Starts

A lot of men carry messages about sex that were handed to them before they were old enough to make sense of them. Religious contexts often framed sex as something dangerous — something to be managed, suppressed, or earned. Some religions also teach us to punish ourselves if sex happens outside a certain prescribed framework.

That framing doesn't disappear when you become an adult. It goes underground. It shows up as shame around desire, silence in relationships, and the sense that wanting something is somehow wrong.

Talking About It Can Become Normal

Here's what I know from the counseling room: the more you talk about something, the less power it has to paralyze you.

Talking about sex, shame, and desire can become as natural as talking about dinner. It just takes practice, support, vulnerability, and — maybe most importantly — someone willing to go first.

A Question to Sit With

Is there a conversation about sex or desire you've been avoiding in your relationship? What's one small step toward opening that door?

—

Listen to Episode 8 of Wonder & Wander on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, and follow the show so you never miss a conversation.